Perhaps I'm just being petty, but a few weeks ago I came across a Facebook post that rattled me. My ex-husband passed away October 15, 2020, but I never read his obituary. To be honest I never felt the need to read it and then a few weeks ago I was alerted to his obituary that someone had posted on his Facebook page. Stupidly, I went and read it. It wasn't the contents of the obituary that upset me but the photo that was used. 

Whoever was responsible for the obituary selected our wedding photo to use for his obituary picture. We divorced in the late 1990's and he had been with someone else for the last twenty+ years, but never married her. I just can't imagine that woman being okay with his wedding picture with me being used for his obituary picture. Of course, along with looking at the picture came me wanting to kick myself for looking at it. It brought back the full array of the avalanche my life underwent during that period. It used to be easy to blame him for all the pain I experienced, but I was there willingly. I may not have known initially what I was up against but when I did find out I had the option of leaving and I didn't...I stayed. I stayed through the shock treatments when he had a breakdown. I stayed even though he slept with a hatchet under the bed. I stayed even though he would disappear for days at a time with no explanation. I stayed until he left me and cleaned out our savings and took everything we owned and went to someone who had money and could keep him in a lifestyle he wanted. 

While he was disabled and couldn't work, I worked full time and went to school full time. Things were pretty stressful. My father's health was declining. He had two heart attacks. I felt like I was trying to be three or four people with little to no help. Jim was pretty zoned out on psychiatric drugs 24/7 so he couldn't be relied upon for anything (making a meal, doing laundry, etc.) As he got "better" he got paranoid and started thinking all sorts of crazy stuff. That's when he decided leave. Yes, he did me a favor, even though at the time it didn't feel that way because I had nothing left. He took everything I owned even the pictures on the walls. One day I came home from work to an empty house. I honestly don't know how I got through the first few months after that but I did. If it weren't for my children, I don't think I would have been able to get back on my feet. 

I know beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and I definitely know I am no beauty queen, but whenever I
need to feel somewhat better about my old fugly ass I just look at what I got dumped for and know that Jim Miller really did do me a HUGE favor all those years ago. Yes, I've been alone a long time, but I've been here waiting for the right person to find me and sweep me off my feet. I used to laugh whenever he would call me and ask me to take him back. He made the mistake of telling me once he went to see The Rolling Stones with this woman and all I could think about was all the places he never took me. He didn't know it, but he really did me a favor by being honest then. Thank you, Jim! I really do hope you rest in the peace you never had in life!

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